Emotional Wellness in the Aftermath of Infidelity

It’s Not About What the Betrayer Did — It’s About the Impact on the Betrayed

Why Honesty is Essential for Healing

By Mark D. Lerner, Ph.D.

Chairman, The National Center for Emotional Wellness

Principal Consultant and Creator, AI-Integrated Emotional Wellness

When her husband asked what she had done with their engagement and wedding rings while having sex with her lover—beginning just weeks before their wedding day and continuing for years—she said, “I took them off with my clothes and put them in my purse.” When he asked why she hadn't told the truth, she said, “I was only thinking of the big things.” Those cold words nearly drove him to end his life.

As I sat down to write this article, I read that “Infidelity can be one of the most painful experiences you can have next to losing a child.” That's how devastating betrayal can be. Infidelity can shatter not only our trust in others—but also our sense of self.

When betrayal is discovered, both partners may face an emotional crisis. The partner who strayed may feel guilt, shame, and fear of exposure, while the betrayed partner may be left drowning in shock, confusion, grief, rage, and a desperate need to know the truth.

Infidelity is not about the specific acts the betrayer engaged in — it's about the impact those actions have on the betrayed.

It's critical to understand that the betrayed can’t cope with reality when it’s withheld from them—only by knowing the whole truth can the healing process begin.

“Trickle truth”—sharing partial truths or lies—is more damaging than the original betrayal. Each new disclosure reopens the wound, deepens mistrust, and tells the betrayed they still can't trust you. "Trickle truth" is ongoing betrayal.

Many who betray believe they’re protecting their partner and themselves by hiding the truth. They fear that full disclosure will cause irreparable harm. Some even gaslight—manipulating their partner into questioning reality. Withholding the truth keeps wounds open and prevents healing.

When the betrayed are denied the truth, their minds often become trapped in an overwhelming loop of obsessive thinking and rumination. This happens because the brain tries to resolve contradictions, inconsistencies, and lies. Honesty can quiet the mind and allow healing to begin.

For the betrayed, healing won't happen without clarity—both physical and emotional truths. When details are hidden, the mind fills in the gaps, often with intrusive, repetitive, and painful scenarios. This is our mind’s attempt to put the pieces of the horrific puzzle together. Without full disclosure, trust can't be rebuilt because the foundation of the relationship remains cracked by suspicion, distrust, and deceit.

Honesty and transparency validate pain, answer haunting questions, and allow the betrayed to come to terms with the past and face reality. 

To the partner who strayed:

Revealing what you’ve hidden will be painful—but the truth is far less damaging than the pain of continued deceit. You can't bury the truth; it will surface—through slips, discoveries, or confession—and each delayed disclosure is another betrayal. If you want to rebuild what you broke, tell the whole truth—and nothing but the truth—and give your partner a chance to heal.

To the partner who was betrayed:

It’s natural to fear that more truth will deepen your pain. But only by knowing reality can you begin to cope and move forward. Asking for honesty is not weakness—it’s a strength. Full disclosure is essential for closure, clarity, and the opportunity to begin writing a new chapter.

Until the betrayed know reality—the betrayal continues.