Overcoming INFIDELITY: For Mental Health Professionals
- Feb 19
- 4 min read
Updated: Apr 14
Why Full Disclosure Is Imperative For Ethical and Responsible Evidence-Based Care
By Mark D. Lerner, Ph.D.
Principal Consultant and Creator, AI-Integrated Emotional Wellness
A marital therapist shared with a couple that infidelity occurs when something is missing in a relationship. While this assertion may be true for some, I've found that infidelity more frequently reflects what's missing within the partner who strayed—clear boundaries, sound judgment, integrity, decency, morality, and, in particular, respect for the person they married and claimed to love.
“I promise to be faithful in sickness and in health.” Infidelity is not a sickness. The sickness is the deliberate withholding of the truth—condemning the betrayed to live a lie—and the ethical and professional failure of some mental health professionals who enable this deception under the guise of "treatment."
After disclosing infidelity, many mental health professionals commit a significant error that contradicts evidence-based care. They project their personal beliefs, such as asserting, “You now know she's been unfaithful; now you have to make a decision—move on without her—or accept it.” While such a statement may be the therapist's belief, it's likely not in the best interest of your client(s) and certainly not evidence-based care.
To overcome infidelity, the betrayed person has a right to know the truth—to understand the reality of what happened in their relationship, with whom it happened, what happened, where it happened, when it happened, and why it happened. And the betrayer has a responsibility to accept accountability and provide full disclosure of the truth.
The spouse who strayed must be open, receptive, and willing to honestly discuss their decisions and actions. Exposure to the truth—reality—empowers the betrayed partner to begin coping with and potentially accepting a painful reality. Consistent exposure also facilitates emotional desensitization, reducing the intensity of triggers over time. Therapists who are experienced in helping people cope with traumatic events are cognizant of the literature that emphasizes exposure—as opposed to avoidance.
From a clinical perspective, betrayal trauma presents with symptom patterns characteristic of acute stress reactions, complex trauma, and posttraumatic stress. The betrayed partner’s intrusive thoughts, obsessions, rumination, hypervigilance, exaggerated startle response, insomnia, and emotional lability are not signs of mental illness; they're often normal responses to regular doses of deception, “trickle truths,” and flagrant lies.
Responsible, professional, ethical mental health care requires the counselor or therapist to understand that trickle truth is not honesty—it’s continued betrayal that can compromise your client's/patient's safety and well-being.
Recognize that when a mental health professional encourages the betrayed to “move on,” it’s likely a manifestation of their need to move on—not their client’s/patient's need. I know a psychiatrist who shared with his client, a man in his early sixties who had never been intimate with anyone but his wife, his high school sweetheart, "Most people have had many partners. You’ve got to accept that she was with someone other than you. Remember the sexual revolution?” The problem wasn’t his patient’s need; it was this misinformed psychiatrist’s need. This "intervention" was not person-centered, trauma-informed, or evidence-based; it was invalidating and devastating to his patient—so damaging that it prompted him to contemplate suicide.
Counselors and psychotherapists who discourage discussion about the truth, reinforcing avoidance—the reality of what happened in their clients’/patient's relationship—are secondarily victimizing and retraumatizing the betrayed. Only through honesty—learning the truth about what happened in the relationship—can the process of healing and, potentially, acceptance begin.
It’s also critical to understand gaslighting—when the betrayer psychologically manipulates their partner to believe that there’s something wrong with them—"This is mental illness." Gaslighting can compromise one's reality testing and ultimately precipitate decompensation—a worsening of symptoms and a significant deterioration in functioning.
Today, artificial intelligence (AI) can be an invaluable adjunct to mental health care. The reality is that most of your clients or patients will turn to AI modalities whether you suggest them or not. This reminds me of the patient who “educates” their physician based on what they learned from ChatGPT or the client who generates a “motion” for their attorney to submit to the Court based on AI-generated content.
Technology can assist by offering accessible psychoeducation—guided relaxation and grounding techniques, affect regulation and emotional awareness tools, cognitive restructuring techniques, structured journaling, decision-making frameworks, values clarification, and between-session support.
AI-Integrated Emotional Wellness (AIEW) incorporates both accessible strategies and evidence-based tools with a clear understanding of the need for authentic, genuine, person-centered care. AI must never be regarded as a substitute for human presence. Relationships are not repaired with strategies and tools but through interpersonal relationships. Healing occurs within the safety and presence of people.
One of the most compelling statements I have ever heard came from an exemplary therapist, Ester. When her client asked her for specific strategies and techniques to cope with his obsessive thoughts and images of his wife being intimate with her lover, she declined, instead offering a safe place in which he could explore his thoughts and feelings. From an evidence-based humanistic perspective, Ester's ethical and professional restraint was the intervention. By refusing to provide answers, she empowered him to find them within himself. At that moment, he made the decision to move from being a survivor to a thriver—through writing and a commitment to helping others.
As a mental health professional, you must advocate for and promote honest and transparent face-to-face interpersonal disclosure of truth, accountability, and reality—not as punishment, but as a prerequisite for professional, ethical treatment aimed at overcoming infidelity.
Finally, it's important to recognize that many couples learn to harness their painful emotional energy from infidelity—and use that energy to propel them to cultivate a stronger relationship. While some couples may achieve this outcome, it can only happen with honesty.
Betrayal doesn't end when the affair ends. It ends when the truth is told.