Helping People Who Are Grieving
- May 24
- 4 min read
Updated: May 25
An AI-Integrated Emotional Wellness™ Perspective
By Mark D. Lerner, Ph.D.
Principal Consultant and Creator, AI-Integrated Emotional Wellness™
Grief refers to our feelings, thoughts, actions, and our physical and spiritual reactions precipitated by loss. Whether the loss involves the death of a loved one, the end of a meaningful relationship, a chronic illness, or another painful life change, grief can profoundly impact how we function.
There are five well-known stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (Kübler-Ross). I often focus on a sixth stage—meaning.
Having invested more than four decades helping people navigate grief and loss, I’ve found that gaining awareness of the grieving process can help us better recognize what grieving individuals are experiencing and how we can effectively support them.
The early reactions to grief often occur during a period of emotional “numbing.” Individuals who are grieving may experience a state of shock. They may become highly anxious and emotionally overwhelmed, responding with crying, panic, anger, or despair—or, conversely, with a stunned, emotionally detached reaction in which they appear dazed, numb, or disconnected from reality.
During this early phase, denial is common. Grieving individuals may have difficulty acknowledging the reality or emotional impact of the loss. Dissociation may also occur, during which they may appear confused, apathetic, or emotionally distant. Statements such as, “I can’t believe this is happening,” “This can’t be real,” or “This feels like a bad dream” are not unusual. Periods of overwhelming emotion—including sadness, fear, rage, anger, guilt, anxiety, or helplessness—may emerge suddenly and intensely. These reactions are not signs of weakness or emotional instability. They’re normal human responses to profound emotional pain.
Within hours or days following the loss, a period commonly referred to as “yearning and searching” may emerge. Here, grieving individuals begin to emotionally register the reality of the loss while simultaneously struggling to accept it. There may be a preoccupation with the person who was lost. Sleep disturbance, poor appetite, headaches, anxiety, tension, irritability, anger, and guilt are common. It’s also common for sounds, familiar routines, memories, and dreams to trigger a feeling that the deceased person may still be present.
Weeks or months later, many people feel emotionally disorganized. Sadness, loneliness, anger, and depression may be apparent. Questions such as, “Why did this happen?” “Why now?" and “What could I have done differently?” are common. There may also be periods of bargaining and repetitive emotional replaying of events.
Importantly, grief does not unfold in a perfectly predictable or linear way. People grieve differently. There’s no timetable for emotional healing, and there are no simplistic “cookbook” approaches to helping grieving individuals. Perhaps the most meaningful intervention is simply being genuinely present and emotionally available—“I’m here for you.”
When helping someone who is grieving, it’s important to allow thoughts and feelings to be expressed without pressure, judgment, or criticism. Although family members and friends often intend to be supportive, they may unintentionally discourage emotional expression—particularly feelings involving anger, guilt, vulnerability, or fear. Avoidance of these emotions may prolong the grieving process and deepen emotional isolation and feelings of sadness and depression. Allow periods of silence. Listen more than you speak. Avoid lecturing, excessive reassurance, or attempting to “fix” the person’s pain.
It’s not what we say that helps the most. It’s often what we don’t say. Just be there.
When helping others, avoid clichés such as, “Be strong,” “Everything happens for a reason,” or “You’re doing so well.” While well-intended, such statements may unintentionally reinforce feelings of emotional aloneness and invalidate the individual’s pain. Instead, allow grieving people to tell you how they feel. Normalize their reactions. Help them understand that their reactions are normal reactions for people who are grieving. At times, many people feel as though they’re trying to make sense of the senseless.
AI-Integrated Emotional Wellness™ (AIEW), the ethical and responsible interface between the cognitive abilities of artificial intelligence and the depth, uniqueness, and complexity of human emotion, can provide accessible, evidence-based techniques, strategies, tools, and support to promote emotional wellness—particularly during periods of isolation or in the middle of the night when grieving individuals are unable to sleep.
However, AIEW also affirms a fundamental truth: authentic, face-to-face human presence remains irreplaceable—and essential—for emotional wellness. AI must never be viewed as a replacement for genuine human connection.
Emotional healing and ultimately acceptance occur through empathy, compassion, vulnerability, eye contact, touch, shared experience, and simply knowing that another person is truly there.
Some experts in grief have proposed a sixth stage—meaning. Here, we try to help the bereaved to find a sense of purpose, honoring the memory of those who have passed and support those who have experienced loss as they integrate those memories into their lives.
Perhaps most important when helping people who are grieving is that we never underestimate the healing power of human warmth and presence. A gentle touch on the shoulder, a warm embrace, sitting quietly beside someone in pain, or simply saying, “I’m here,” may be more emotionally powerful than any perfectly chosen words.